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We have been living together for one month. We have been dating for one year. This is exactly right and perfect. All is as it should be. I look at the sky and see no clouds. I put my ear to the ground, and no train is coming. No drumming of distant hooves etc. It’s not that I am surprised. I knew from straight away that M. was the best person I had ever met. It’s true that it took nearly ten years for it to dawn on me that I actually wanted to date her instead of just be Incredible Best Friends. This is because I lack the capacity for reflection.
My friend Caitie once described the inner life of someone I was going out with:There is a sash window open inside his head. It is a windy day. A door is banging. Papers are blowing all around. I found this to be absolutely chilling in its accuracy. I also understood that it could have been about me. I never know what I am thinking or feeling. I can go for a whole hour without an idea in my head, like a little baby or a robot. Sometimes I walk down the hill after being in the library all day and laugh at a joke my brother told me a decade ago. It was not even really a joke. He walked into the kitchen eating a tuna mayonnaise sandwich and said, “Riddle me this. Where would tuna be without mayonnaise?”